Somewhere along the way as I began the push to June 27th (Yes, the Blaze Pro Wrestling: Never Give Up event) I found my energy and motivation beginning to flag.
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| BPW Presents ! |
Not because I don't wanna have the higher profile match, but simply because ... well crap, pick your reason.
Old. Tired. Working nights. Daddy duties. Literary convention. Plotting my next novel. Living arrangement issues. Regular aches and pains.
You know.
Life.
Let me tell you, no motivational "What are you willing to give up? What are you willing to Sacrifice?" speech or video you see being shouted in your face by those really swell people online who look super happy and fit is gonna be able to wipe away LIFE and how it can drag you down.
Don't misunderstand. I'm in a very good place, there are so many things and people I am grateful for ... I am truly happy.
That don't make shit any easier though.
Getting to ring training before work was more of a slog than it should've been. Props to the crew that showed up to work hard. I'd come in with every intention to push my pace; get us running, doing footwork and grappling drills, working on more complicated sequences.
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| Lotsa Grey Here |
Not to say what we worked on wasn't good. I remain incredibly proud of this group and the progress I see them making every damned week. They all worked super hard and added to their collective toolboxes.
I just expect more of myself.
Somewhere my therapist is probably making space on the couch for my return. Wanting to have another in depth discussion about how "everyone has limits" and how "No one expects me to be more than who I am."
The thing is though, is that I always expect more of me.
I'm told that every athlete goes through this feeling (and yes, I am referring to myself as an athlete - suck it all my haters and their masturbatory podcasts). Where no matter how much one still has to offer to their chosen sport, the realization that they'll never be as good as they used to be is tough to swallow. Hell, its the reason why high level athletes often get cut and traded well before they think they're ready to hang it up.
Sometimes they prove people wrong and lead teams to greatness. Others blow out their Achilles on the
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| Fuck This Guy |
I guess that's what's bugging me going into this match. Mentallo is out there on the road right now, still working at the top of his game. A top level athlete making the towns, having 50-plus matches a year (at minimum) still paying the price and giving crowds main event quality matches.
And I'm struggling to get through 45 minutes on the cross-trainer 4-times a week.
Look, as I write this it's 3AM. My body clock is an absolute mess and I'm trying to ignore some aches and pains that Advil isn't managing.
So, most of this feeling is just internal self-doubt.
And fear.
Man, that's hard to write.
True though.
I'm afraid that I'm gonna metaphorically (I hope) blow out my Achilles on June 27th.
The version of me that was able to keep up with and go hold for hold, step for step with the top flight wrestlers who were often half my damned size is long gone. I've adapted and adjusted to remain competitive and relevant for a long time.
The ability to do that has always come through hard work. Battling my "War of Dad Blog", spending time in the gym, trying not to eat terribly and just... just putting in the effort.
Half Assed Effort Gets Half Assed Results.
I try to do everything with my Whole Ass.
Uh... You know what I mean.
Look, if you made it this far into my rambling please take this thought away.
In two weeks I plan to be the best version of myself possible. It will not be the version of myself I'd like to show you all, that man is about a decade behind me. However, I believe I've got more to give. The BPW office, crew and trainees have shown me more support and encouragement than I've received in wrestling - probably ever. And THEY Believe I've got more to give.
In a tough, carny industry where there's so much back-talking and politicking I want to repay their kindness and love by bringing my Best Effort to the Ring.
Win. Lose or Draw.
*****
I'll post more gym updates in a day or so for anyone interested. I also wrote out some gym fundamentals the other day for a beginner, so I can make a version of those available to anyone who might be interested.
Back to work.
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